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On Charity
It is one of the seven virtues of Christianity. It used to have a central place in Roman ethics and Judaism as well. Today, we remain deeply impressed by the idea of charity, but often from a distance,...
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On the Hardest Job in the World
Under such a title, one expects something properly heroic: inter-planetary travel. Perhaps the flotation of a public company. A breakthrough in renal cancer research. But no, the hardest job you are...
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On the Continuing Relevance of Marriage
It’s tempting to think of marriage as old fashioned. Why not just live with someone and be done with it? What need for a public ceremony? Why the weird traditions that people normally keep away from:...
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On the Longing for Authority
President Obama was out the other week inspecting the navy at the largest US mainland base in Norfolk, Virginia. A month ago, he was out at the Wright-Patterson air force base in Dayton, Ohio. It can...
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When Is One Ready to Get Married?
It used to be when you’d hit certain financial and social milestones: when you had a home to your name, a set of qualifications on the mantelpiece and a few cows and a parcel of land in your...
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On the Longing for Maternal Tenderness
Perhaps you never had such a figure in your life, but let’s imagine for a moment what a good mother might have been like: when you were a baby, she fed you in the night; you cried at 3am and she got up...
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Utopian Marriage
Modern societies are deeply invested in the idea of big, glamorous weddings. We have evolved highly-detailed collective ideas about what a proper wedding is supposed to be like, down to the specialised...
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On the Role of Teddy Bears
The English psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott developed the idea of a Transitional Object. He wanted to draw attention to the very important work done by children’s much-loved teddy bears. At first a...
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Keeping Secrets in Relationships
For years, you felt burdened with thoughts, feelings and opinions that didn’t seem to make much sense to anyone else. You sometimes wondered if you were going mad. There were people you didn’t like,...
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How Not to Think on a Date
So many encounters are marred by miscommunication and shyness. Rather than worrying about our flaws, and thinking we are always unacceptable, we should be braver and clearer about how we feel and...
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Meet the Parents
It’s often excruciating introducing a new partner to our parents. But look at it from their point of view: they are being nothing less than usurped. So go easy on them.
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On Compromise
For Romantics, compromise in a relationship sounds so boring. Ideally, they think partners should love everything about each other. That’s kind of a pity – given that learning the art of compromise is...
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In Praise of Hugs
It seems strange to make a case for hugging. After all, hugging has become deeply fashionable; it’s viewed as an expansive alternative to the handshake, and is intended to suggest a flatteringly...
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On Being Unintentionally Hurt
One of the most fundamental paths to calm is the power to hold on, even in very challenging situations, to a distinction between what someone does – and what they meant to do. In law, the difference is...
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The Advantages of Long-distance Love
When we hear that a couple live 11 time zones apart and can afford to come together only once in a long while, it’s natural to offer sympathy for the pain. We should more fairly envy them for their...
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On the Beloved’s Wrist
You don’t give it a second thought most of the time, of course. But in favoured circumstances – when it is framed by a leather watch strap, a crisp shirt cuff, a circle of amber stones or placed on a...
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The Partner as Child Theory
Small children sometimes behave in stunningly unfair and shocking ways: they scream at the person who is looking after them, angrily push away a bowl of animal pasta, throw away something you have just...
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Why True Love Doesn’t Have to Last Forever
One of the big assumptions of our times is that if love is real, it must by definition prove to be eternal. We invariably and naturally equate genuine relationships with life-long relationships. And...
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The Terrors of Being Loved
Ostensibly we all want love – but oddly, one of the hardest things to do is not to hold it against someone when they do actually turn around and reciprocate our feelings. It can be immensely hard not...
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Humour in Relationships
We know by instinct that humour is pretty important in relationships. But the reasons are often left a little vague. It isn’t that we crudely want entertainment – there are enough comedians on TV. We...
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